You Jackass
by chenchenchenchenchen
Summary: Some key advice in life: Never pick a fight with a strange blond haired kid. Then you will never get your heart broken.


**Well, I am new to this fandom so cut me some slack. I don't know what to say to this. I fell asleep on a train and then got the idea. Enjoy! Plus, I really fucked up Envy's family tree.**

 **I don't know what to say about this story. I fell asleep on a train and then got the idea. Enjoy! Plus, I really fucked up Envy's family tree.**

* * *

 ** _ENVY'S POV:_**

 _"Some key advice in life: Never pick a fight with a strange blond haired kid. Then you will never get your heart broken._

 _I made that mistake back in fourth grade. I still can't decide if I regret it or not."_

* * *

Our story starts at a lunch table. The table was rusted and falling apart, the bench barely even supporting my weight.

Yeah, I know. I shitty way to start. But what were you expecting, Ed? The year 2217 where I'm a cyborg? The cliche where I am a shy kid bumping into the most popular kid in school? A castle where I'm a damsel in distress and you come to save me?

Well, the last one is kind of true. Except, I wasn't in distress. And I am definitely not a damsel. And you didn't save me. 

* * *

Fourth grade. I sat alone at the lunch table eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I hated those sandwiches, not knowing the true meaning of putting two different things together, but I had nothing else to eat. I sat alone at the lunch tables because I had no friends and this was the only empty table I could find. I didn't have a good lunch, any friends, or even a decent table to sit at. I had nothing.

I sat up and tied my long dark green hair into a ponytail. I hated it when it got in my face.

But I was fine with nothing. I had convinced myself that I didn't need friends. They would have ditched me anyways so what was the point? Once we get to middle school, friends just forget about each other and go their separate ways. So what was the point?

"What's with that kid over there?" A voice asked me. I stiffened, knowing who they were talking about. "He doesn't hang out with anybody."

Because I didn't need anybody! Anger boiled within me. Why couldn't people just accept that?

"Shh! He might hear you!" Another voice hissed.

"So?" The first voice sounded annoyed.

"He looks scary…"

"C'mon Al, he might not be that bad."

"You don't know that!"

One of my eyebrows twitched in annoyance. Who the hell were these kids to talk shit about me?

"Ok, I'm going to talk to him, and there is nothing you can do about it."

"Wait, brother…!"

I rolled my eyes, not really caring until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I readied my best glare and turned around. You appeared unfazed by the glare, smiling in return. I hated that even more. I began examining you. You had nice blond hair, in contrast to my icky, bland, blackish green hair. Your golden eyes seemed to be taunting me, reminding me about my stupid and dark violet eyes. I knew it the moment I saw you: I hated you.

"Wait, brother!" Your brother, Alphonse, came rushing down to us. He looked almost the same as you, but smaller, and with shorter hair. He ran up to you and then crossed his arms and glared at me. I glared at him back.

Ugh, another reason to hate you. You had a loving older brother. (A/N: I did this on purpose)

Sure, I have siblings. We just weren't that loving. Greed and I never got along and we are alway arguing. My younger brother, Pride, is ok. Gluttony is fat and retarded. My aunt Sloth is weird and my cousin Wrath is a brat. And then there are my parents, Lust, and Bradley (A/N: I tried…). They are alright, but my grandma, Dante is THE WORST. I fucking hate are many more things I could say but we would be here all day.

I growled, "What do you want?"

Alphonse whimpered and hid further back behind you. What a wimpy older brother, I think.

You smiled, "I'm Edward Elric, and this is my younger brother, Alphonse."

Wait? Younger brother?! I looked at you and then gaped. You were a pipsqueak!

I grunted, getting really annoyed at this point. "What. Do. You. Want?"

"Your name would be nice!" You grinned at me and I felt disgusted.

"Envy," I replied coldly. There was no way in hell I was telling you my real name. I hated it. I would rather have any other name than that.

"Huh… ok…" You said, kind of sounding dissatisfied. Yes! Victory! "Ok, let's be friends."

Goddammit.

* * *

I honestly don't remember how you convinced me to, but the next thing I knew, I was sitting at your table with the popular kids. Most of the kids had scooted away from me when I sat but you didn't care and sat next to me. Your brother, on the other hand, sat on the opposite side of the table, giving you concerned looks.

"So…" A boy named Paul asked you, avoiding my eye contact, "What is it doing here?"

I glared at him, giving him the clear message to back off.

You yawned, "I dunno, he just seemed lonely."

"Well get rid of it!"

It. As if I was some animal, like a lion, about to snap any second. As if I was a monster, nothing anyone has seen before. A vein popped up on my forehead as I snapped, "What did you call me?!"

Paul rolled his eyes like the asshole he is, "I don't know if you're a boy or a girl so the best thing I can call you is it."

Another vein popped up, this time it was larger, "Shut up! I'm a boy!"

"Ohh really?" Paul smirked, "with that hairstyle, I could think you are a gender ambiguous palm tree!"

"And you are the gay psychopath," I retorted. Paul reeled back, shocked that I could even speak. I grinned, "Trust me, I see the way you stare at Michael! You look like you want to follow him home and rape him!"

Michael spits out his drink and Paul's eyes widened. Then Paul growled and swung his fist at me. You caught it right before it hit me and for a moment, I saw the seriousness present in your eyes. I never though you could have that look on your face.

It vanished though as you forced a smile, "Guys, try to place nicely."

"It's ok, I was going to leave anyways," I said as I stood up and began to walk away.

You put your hand on my shoulder, "Wait."

Dammit! Couldn't you take the hint! I. Didn't. Give. A. Shit. I just wanted to leave. If this is what friendship felt like, I didn't want any part of it. How could I make you realize that? Punching you seemed like a good solution, but that was quick and not that painful. Maybe I can kick you in the crotch. That seemed ok. But I could get into trouble for that.

I soon began constructing a plan…

* * *

"So Edward," I say, forcing a smiled when we sat at the cursed table again, "I noticed something."

"Hmm…" You say, looking up, "What?"

"You are…"

You perk up even more.

"...really…"

Your eyes widen.

"...short."

You grow a vein as you explode angrily, "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT A TODDLER COULD EAT ME WHOLE?!"

My eyes widen, I was not expecting that kind of reaction from you. I smile, "I'm going to call you O-Chibi-Chan from now on."

"WHAAT?!"

Alphonse began to laugh a little and you calmed down then pouted, "I'm not short…"

Whatever you say O-Chibi-Chan, I think rolling my eyes.

A few feet away from this table was a grass area that was really muddy during all parts of the year. It was shallow enough that you wouldn't drown (but I don't know, with you being a chibi and all), but deep enough for you to be drenched in mud. I grin sadistically.

"Hey, do you want to play tag?" I ask you grinning.

As gullible as you are, you smiled, "Sure!"

I get up, then tap you, "You're it, Chibi-chan!" Giggling, I run away as you chase me angrily.

You yelled angrily, "GET THE HELL BACK HERE!"

I grinned, Perfect!

"I got you!" You yelled as you shoved your hand toward me, I quickly jump away to dodge it. "Why you… I got you!" You yelled again as you ran towards me swinging your hand to tag the air.

I stick my tongue out at you. "Give up! You can't catch me!" I run toward the mud pit. Angrily, you run towards me like a blind bull. I grab your arm and pull you behind me and you fell face first into the mud pit.

"Huh?" you say as you sit up. You didn't even look like the same person anymore, the mud completely covering your face, expect for your eyes.

I burst into laughter, enjoying the devastated look on your face, "Hahaha! You were priceless! You just charged into the pit like a bull, you pig!"

The other kids burst into laughter too, which goes to show how stupid us humans are. Your brother dashed towards us, "Brother! Brother! Are you ok?"

You looked away, most likely on the verge of tears, "I-I'm f-fine…"

I continued my mockery, "To think, a shorty like you could have so much energy-WOAAAH! AH!" My sentence was caught off when you angrily grabbed my hand and pulled me into the pit.

You grabbed me by my sides and slammed me into the mud, knocking the air out of my stomach. I was shocked. You seemed like one of those kids who hated violence and wanted world peace. Love not hate! But you seemed to like the opposite of what I thought before more and more with each punch you threw.

"I…" PUNCH! "...am…" PUNCH! " ...not..." PUNCH! "...SHORT!"

You punched me in the nose and soon after I started to feel blood dripping from it. I growled, there was no way a pipsqueak like you was going to beat me. I kicked you away from me and slammed you into the ground just like you did to me.

I smirked, "You have a lot of energy for a pipsqueak?" I punched you in the cheek before you could yell at me.

"YOU BASTARD! I'M NOT AN ANT!" You screamed as you quickly got up, and jumped back down, elbowing me in the stomach.

I choked, all the air inside of me escaping me. My breathing quickly became faster and faster as I struggled for air and I began to wheeze. Dammit, not now! I think, trying to control my breathing. Fucking asthma!

"EDWARD ELRIC! ENVY ALIGHIERI! WHAT'S GOING ON?!" A voice yelled and you stopped beating me as your eyes filled with fear.

"P-Principal C-C-Curtis," you stuttered, slowly covering as Izumi stormed towards us. She pushed you away from me and you flew back into a table.

Izumi looked at me then looked up and yelled, "Where's his backpack? Where's his inhaler?"

I wheezed as I gestured towards the rusty table and Izumi stormed toward the table, picked up my inhaler, stormed back here, shook it, then shoved in in my mouth, not giving me much time to breathe out first. My breathing started to turn back to normal and I gasped, "Dammit…"

Izumi frowned at me, "Please refrain in using profanity at this school, Envy." Izumi turned toward you, "AND YOU! DO YOU MIND EXPLAINING YOURSELF?!"

You flinched and yelped, "I-I-I-I-I… HE STARTED IT!" You pointed at me and Izumi frowned at me.

"Is this true?" She asked me sternly.

Oh god, time to start acting. I sniffle, "No… he was bullying me and then pushed me into the mud. Of course, I got mad and then pulled him in. At one point, he punched me in the stomach and I couldn't breathe…" I began to wail as I buried my face into the Izumi's shirt.

Izumi sighed, "I haven't seen acting that bad since *insert bad movie here*. I am going to have to call your parents."

My eyes widened as I looked down. Lust was going to be ok but Pride is going to kill me.

You burst into laughter. "Haha! I told you!"

"AND EDWARD, since you triggered his Asthma attack, you get lunch detention for a week and a call to your parents."

"WHAT?!" You screamed, "Mom's going to kill me!"

I ignored your ranting as I looked down. I hated you. I hated you! I hated you! I wanted to scream and tackle again, but my body racked with when I tried to move. Izumi stood up and walked away to make the phone calls.

You roughly grabbed my collar, anger burning in your eyes. I gasp from the sudden movement, but then my eyes narrowed. You hissed, "This is not over."

"Bring it on, bastard!" I stuck out my tongue at you. You dropped me and then stormed off.

"Wait for me, brother!" Alphonse called, running after you.

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 **The next POV is going to be in Edward's. Please review, favorite, and follow!**


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